The Friendship Page Advice Forum

[smiliestar]

Right.....
Firstly I love my boyfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and our personal relationship is, and has been for the last 3 and half years, amazing

However.......
my boyfriend has a group of mates.....roughly 10....mixed boys and girls.....that make my life a living hell. I need people's honest advice about what to do......I'm so tired of crying about it....I want it "fixed"


The group of mates have a male ring leader called Nick, who is my boyfriend's best friend for about 10 yrs. Nick dislikes me which is obvious in many ways......body language, tone of voice, little petty remarks/insults, not inviting me to "couples" events but inviting my boyfriend......the list goes on!

Nick wasn't too bothered with me initially......for about the first year of our relationship I think he assumed that my boyfriend would lose interest in me and we wld split up. But the longer we stay together the more Nick displays his dislike me......bitchier remarks/excluding me from convos etc

The rest of the group of mates follow Nick's lead......Nick's dislike of me is well known and as a result if I walk into a room NONE of them will say hello to me. If I enter with my boyfriend by my side....they come running up to hug/kiss/hello my boyfriend and still ignore me.....and only address me directly if my boyfriend forces me into the convo.

Over the last 2 yrs I have tried everything I can think of to improve this. My boyfriend hates the fact he cant socailise with his best mates and me together but seems unable to change Nick's mind.

Things I've tried.....
- smiling and being polite at all times so I cant upset anyone
- trying to make small talk with them (very hard as they try to exclude me but I keep trying!)
- inviting them to my new yr eve house party (they then all declined my invite and organised their own as they didnt want to have to come to my house only 2 streets away )
- taking a "it doesnt bother me" attitude.....which I was rubbish at as you can probably tell!

The thing is guys this is affecting my health.....to date I've had 7 panic attacks and thrown up twice because of being so intimidated or scared by them. I turn into a nervous wreck now even if I think about going to the pub with them again.

What can I do?

[CA007]

I hate to say it, but the biggest problem is your boyfriend. You should not be the one to 'fix' this problem, he is...it is HIS friends who are causing the problem. He should realize that his 'friends' are not really his friends if they disrespect him by treating you like garbage.

Let me put it this way: what if this situation was reversed and your group of friends were treating him this way? Would you tolerate it?

If he loves you, then at an event where his friends are present and you are not he should make a group announcement that they better knock it off or they would lose him as a friend. The fact he has not done this already is disturbing... especially since it is taking such an emotional/physical toll on you.

Put simply: he needs to grow some balls. What if his family decided to reject you? At the end of the day, you need to be #1--friend, lover, partner... If you are not, then get out now and find someone who will.
Best of luck to you both!

[smiliestar]

The thought of getting him to do something like that has crossed my mind but he wont do it. He says its just them being weird.

If I'm being completely honest I know that if he made them choose between his friendship and including me......they would just exclude him too. I think deep down he knows this. Their dislike of me is almost certainly stronger than their like of him.

As for me and him......
In my heart of hearts I know you're right.....he should fix it. But I'm honestly at breaking point with the whole thing. Last night I cried for about 2 hours just thinking of having to see them over the Xmas hols.

Excluding his friends.......me and my boyfriend are so happy. We hardly ever argue, we laugh all the time, our families like the other, all other friends like us etc etc I feel really stupid giving up on a relationship that works so well in every other dimension.

What should I do?

[CA007]

You sound REALLY upset over this whole issue...your boyfriend should not brush this off. Does he know how much this upsets you? If he doesn't you need to tell him... NOW. If he does, then why would he ever want to be around these people? If it came down to the crunch would your boyfriend drop these people to preserve his relationship with you? If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to lose-- ask Nick out for a coffee date and confront him about his mean behavior. Ask him to call a truce in the best interests of your boyfriend (as he should not have to choose between his friend and girlfriend).

You must really love your boyfriend...but you really need to work on loving yourself. How could you allow yourself to be treated this way? You do not deserve this crap! I have a gut feeling that if you had a group of friends that treated your boyfriend this way, to the point of tears, that you would demand that they stop and treat him with respect or you would drop them like hot potatoes. Your boyfriend is sadly partially to blame for this abuse--he should not want to be around people who treat you poorly.

Personally, I would call them ALL out. At the next gathering if you are treated like crap say so ...LOUDLY... tell them you are tired of the way they treat you despite your attempts to be friendly announce you will you no longer subject yourself to their coldness and walk out... if your boyfriend walks out fully supporting you then you have a keeper(someone who truly loves you and is willing to make sacrifices in the best interests of the relationship and your well-being) and if he doesn't then he deserves his friends...but he sure as hell does not deserve you.