The Friendship Page Advice Forum

[resource]

I have a friend who is a social misfit. My wife and I spend time with him out of pity. We are his only friends. The problem is when we are with him he shows no interest in us at all. He only speaks about himself. When we bring up any topics about us he shows no interest, and never asks how we are doing. We had him over for Christmas dinner, and as all previous years, he shows up empty handed, and does not even thank my wife for dinner. No christmas card, nothing. I recently lost my job and he does not even ask about my future. He is physically unappealing, and does not try to take care of himself. If I bring up the problem, and he shows interest, I will know its not real. The concern is if I end the relationship, he will litteraly have no one. Today was his birthday and he asked to have lunch with us and join us at a department store, because he had no one. He is desperate to spend time with me. Calls me everyday. What should I do?

[YankeeBob]

Here are some ideas to consider. Try anything that works for you:

1) If you are keeping quiet about this person's annoying habits, are you possibly giving them permission to continue these traits ?

You could for example, say "I feel hurt when your behavior is to not express thanks for the meal my wife cooked."

See that lets you be honest about your feelings, and explain the cause of it.

2) Are you trying to save this person?

People who are "takers" will suck the life out of those who are givers.

They don't know how to change.

3) Does your friend need professional help with self esteem issues ? Depression ? or some thing else.

Is their alcoholism in their family ?

[resource]

Thank You for responding YankeeBob.

As you have said, if I continue the relationship, I will have to talk about it to him. I have been quiet up until now, to observe his real actions and understand his real emotions. But as you state, it is sucking the life out of me and he will not change. I have been trying to save him as his only friend. I will try to talk to him as a last resort, if that does not work, I must terminate the relationship.

Thank You

[resource]

I did not respond to your last point. No Alcaholism, but he does engage in daily drug use. He does not seem depressed, but I may just be missing it.

[morningbiscuit]

I don't know how old your friend is, regardless of that, people at some point in life are expected to behave in a certain way; when they don't, we have to choices: Leave him be and keep caring for his lack of interests/emotions, or since his behavior bothers so much, enough to seek help, I'd say talk to him openly about what you are going through. He might not even realize it. When you do, he might wake up and change his antics for you, or get upset leave and never return. If it were me, I wouldn't do much more for him.
Good luck

[chrisjackson911]

You cant always worry about others problems. Ive seen people who let other people before them or they wives and i have seen realtionship destroyed because of it. Yeah its not always good to end friendships and hurt people. In fact its hardly ever good. But sometimes we have to think about ourslefves first

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-Chris Jackson.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't....

[fawzy saied]

[b]My dear brother, this person is worthy of your friendship reminds you only when it wants you
We stand beside you when you need it
This person is not a friend and I'm sorry when I say this, but it's a fact[/b]

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