The Friendship Page Advice Forum

[hotbower]

Hello, my husband Graham has 2 bestfriends and belongs to a bike club and has a bullavard. I have a friend problem in which I am an extravert and love meeting people however when it comes to friends I have had only two best friends my entire life. I am afraid of making new friends as I always land up getting hurt as, as soon as I meet my friends husbands the friendship ends. My husbands best friend for 14 years moved to Australia and he inherrited his best friends, friends. It feels as if he puts them first before me and I am afraid of loosing him, he keeps telling me that his family comes first. He goes on rallys at least once a month and goes riding every Sunday. He constantly talks about them - we have a saying here, it is said in this way "he is so far up their asses you can just see his feet sticking out their bottoms". I am insecure about this whole friendship of his with his friends, to be honest jelous too. I want him to be friends with me like that. Last night both friends came around Wayne and Terry and they were down stairs in the garage and then came upstairs and sat in the kitchen and were talking, they are rather loud, we have a 7 month old baby, so I went into the kitchen and asked them to go and sit downstairs and talk as they make a lot of noise so they said they would talk softly, to which I replied 'yes sure' then Graham said this is my home to and I think it is time you packed your bags and moved out. I do not know how to deal with frienships as my bestfriends are no longer friends as one stays too far away to visit and the other in Australia. I want to know how to open up my heart and accept Terry and Wayne in my life and have them as friends to. I would also like to be friends with their wives but because I make things uncomfortable when they visit I am not friends with their wives. Please help!

[Mark]

Sounds as if your husband (Graham) is treating you like a door mat. I dont think it was unreasonable of you to ask to keep the noise down when his friends came over and were talking loudly when you have a small child in the house and then he tells you to 'pack your bags and move out'. What sort of husband is he?! Maybe he just likes to act the big man when his friends are around to show them that he runs the household and to embarrass you at the same time.

As for you making friends with them and their wives etc, why not suggest meeting up for dinner or a barbecue or something to break the ice. Just be yourself, be pleasant and I'm sure these people will like you for who you are. I think your husband could really do alot more to help you by getting you more involved with them and joining in with conversation etc.

I do feel for you and I really hope it all works out in the end. I think you should start by talking to your husband first and express your concerns with him to begin with. If he loves you he will understand and help you.

[MayC]

I think it's the jealousy that is the culprit and may have made you unpleasant/unfriendly towards your husband's friends. From how you describe things, I believe your actions were unintentional. Like all wives, it would be nice to have your husband around during the weekends instead of seeing him go off with his bestfriends.

However, I would say this. When friends come over, it is bound to be noisy. It would look really bad on your husband if you announced to his friends that you wish for them to be quiet and it also depends on "how" you say it to them. Your husband reacted that way because he felt embarrassed. It would be better to take your husband aside and tell him. Alternatively, you could go easy and understand that of course this would happen if there are visitors. It is okay for a child to have "interruptions" once in a while rather than having everything so set and so routine (I too have a child). Alternatively, you could take your child to the room downstairs if it was too noisy in the kitchen. If asking the boys to go downstairs mean going into the garage instead of another room, then that would be really bad too.

You can change the situation though. Why not tell your husband that you feel bad for mistreating his friends and you only did it because you felt jealous of his time with them? Then maybe you could try joining him in his biking. If this is a "male" thing to do, then why not ask if you could meet their wives? If you know the boys are out on Sundays, just say that you are trying out some new recipes and would their wives and children like to come over? If they say yes, ask for their home numbers so you could contact them. Warn your husband before hand if you want to do this. Another thing that you could do is if you know they are coming over, offer to make them tea and some light snacks. Make them feel welcome.

In a marriage, I believe it doesn't matter if one does more than the other.

Who knows, a few weeks from now, you're the one who's not home because you'll be so busy meeting up with the other wives!

I understand the loneliness because mine goes on business trips every week and sometimes over 4 days. On most days I'm alone with our daughter with no family around. I wish he was home more but I respect that he has to work and sometimes during the weekends, I too have to respect that he wants to go out with his friends.

Good luck.

[CA007]

Hmmm.
I understand your desire to be your husband's best friend...ideally you would be. Maybe you need more date nights to reconnect as friends not just as parents or partners in a household.

He is not a 'boy' he is a man(as are his friends)...he is a parent too so he should have been just as aware as you were of how loud his friends were being in regards to your child...hopefully your comments were genuinely related to your child and not solely driven by jealousy. His comment was rude and obviously hurtful to you. I think you need to have a very serious chat with your husband to express how you feel, perhaps you could come up with some suggestions of things he could do to make you feel less left out. In the meantime you could try to arrange a date with Terry and Wayne's wives as this would likely help ease the problem.