The Friendship Page Advice Forum

[alis12345]

help please!
...im a bit stuck, im feeling pretty down, iv never used anything like this before, and iv actually never writen any of this down before either.. but im really hoping to get some advice as soon as possible.
i had this best friend for about 5 years now, we've been extremely close for 2 or 3, we met at school, we just took a gap year together and went travelling for 3 months. we're similar in lots of ways -we have basically the same moral beliefs on many general things,we both love travelling and have actually made some plans to go away again to travel more for longer and not go to university. But then again we are very different in lots of ways. im quite laid back generally, shes very bubbly and outgoing, and gets stressed easily. shes a big talker (lots about herself)but lots in general, which i like, and im quieter and a good listener. shes verrry staight, loves men. i am bisexual. as we've got older our differences have got greater. looks wise too. i have dreadlocks and i supose look like a bit of a hippy (i hate the steriotype but its easiest to describe) im into art and i still really like fashion, but shes very feminately fashionable, and really cares how she looks. she also really cares what people think. i dont. only from the people i care about myself.
we're different but i think it should be embraced. no probs.

years ago my mum was a b**** to her. over a long time span. she made comments about her and made her feel uncomfortable to be at my house (which was a lot of the time). and i sat back and watched it happen. i was partly in denial, i didnt want it to be true. i would rather have thought it was her being over sensitive. but she had a right to feel as what she felt, and i was afraid to confront my mum. my sister too was always gelous of my time spent with my best friend and made things much worse. before i met her i was at home a lot, partly not through any choice as i was unwell and hardly attended school for many years, so i just had never had any different, and was very close to, but very over protected by my mum.

she fell for my neighbour and long term family friend, basicaly over the entire period of our friendship. this is a whole other story, but basically he never felt the same at first, then in the past year and a half there abouts hes messed her around, not been straight about his feelings. hes a idiot and emotionally retarded. but she loves him, and its been a very difficult situation. god knows how many hours upon hours i spent listening to her talk about him, or on occasion any other guy who came on the scene and was a distraction for a few months. over the time there have been situations where, me knowing him, i could have had more input and spoken to him myself or done something, but i didnt as i was and still am to a lesser extent unsure of myself and didnt want to do it/anything wrong. shes very judgemental. there have also been things that i could have communicated better and talked about more, basically for her reasurance. but i actually find it hard to think that way as thats not how i work, i dont need constant telling and reasuring about things and i dont get paranaoid. but she does.
last x-mas was really important for her to see him (he was back from uni for x-mas holiday, and soon after that we were going away until the summer). they wanted to see eachother but he went back before she got a chance to go round and see him and didnt know he was going to leave. i could have found out beforehand when he was going to leave, but i didnt, so i guess it was my fault they never got to talk, and she deffinately blamed me. its me being oblivious, not thinking what could happen.

*(by the way im sorry this is such a long story, if you're still reading this i aplaud you and massively apriciate it....!)*

before this our friendship had deffinately got a bit rocky for a few months. she started to not hold back at telling me what anoyed her about me and what i did. which turned into having a go at me a lot of the time. but it was bassically small stuff and it was kind of like i deserved it, she had a right to be angry because of all the stuff with my mum and sister.
after x-mas she basically started to say she wanted me to change for us to stay friends, and for my own sake, to be a better person basically. but continually up untill now she'd treat me like mess. like get me to do anything and everything for her, be generally really controlling about what i do, have a go and put me down, and actually physically lash out.
i basically never did anthing for myself, she was so messed up and down about the guy, i tried to be there and to do and say the right thing. sometimes it was fine.. good.. i said the right stuff at the right time, she was happier. i gave bassically all of my time any energy to her it seemed, but it never really got any better, i never got anything right. and she would constantly get really angry with me that i couldnt do the simple things and be the good friend she wanted and needed and i supposedly could be.. she did believe in me. but she would say really really hurtful things that would put me down, and over a long period of time and them being so personal its just made me gradually really unhappy.
im not a very open person, unlike her, she says everything she thinks and is totally honest. i dont wear my heart on my sleve. id deffinately like to be more open, i think id be happier, but i hold back with her, despite us being so close, because i guess im afraid she'll judege me. its a bit stupid but its scarry for me to open up. and i dont think im very good at communicating.
so earlier this year we went away travelling and being away and what we did was amazing but nothing changed, i didnt do anything right and she still treated me like rubbish.
we spend all our time together and i think know eachother inside out. the good times used to be the best, but they've just got less and less frequent. i feel like im constantly trying to do what she wants, part of which is to be more entusiastic and happy, so i feel kind of fake when i am expressing happiness anyway.
whilst travelling she met a guy who she really fell head over heals for. its not a very simple situation, but they're still in touch now and hes massively helped her now begin to get over the other guy, my neighbour, after 4/5 years.
one more thing thats happened. i went to this festival that i go to every year, one of my favorate places ever, with my other best friend who i dont live near, have known my whole life, and hadnt seen for ages. but it was at a time when she was feeling the worst ever, had got really depressed about the guy she loves, and the guy she met travelling, didnt know what to do about either. i felt like i had the other priority of my other best friend, who would be on her own if i didnt go. so i did, but drove home from it 3 times in 5 days to see her. but i know in hindsight it wasnt enough, that was me trying to comprimise, and she told me it wouldnt be enough. on my last night there i also slept with a guy id just met. which is something she doesnt believe in. i know i should have told my other best friend in advance and apologised that i couldnt go and that id make it up to her, im sure she would have forgiven me. and i should have stayed with my best friend when she needed me most. but i really cant change that now. i tried to start to make it up to her, i had some secret savings which i gave all of to her as she was in debt and wanted to be able to see the guy she met travelling. it wasnt about money but it was the gesture.
but i dont think she can forgive me for what happened. as well as the fact of me not changing enough in the small ways in day to day life and to help her. she made me delete my facebook and get a new phone number. and made me stop all contact with my other best friend, saying i had to chose between them. i still cant seem to get anything right and she still treats me like rubish a lot of the time. shes said and i spose i feel like its true, that if i change and make things better between us and make all the effort that i can constantly then it will all change, she will change and not be horrible. i feel like im making effort and trying all the time but its obviosly wrong or not enough. i dont really feel like its right for her to be the way she is sometimes but i feel like i have to accept it.
we have the same coversations all the time about all of this. shes never ended this friendship for good at all despite all the horrible things shes said to me and the times shes threateded to, which i think means something. but she goes pretty far in what she says. and lately i thinks shes become more withdrawn. i really really care about this, about her. shes my best friend. i dont know what to do.
i dont want to never talk to my other best friend, she helps me so much, we're so similar, shes only ever been there for me.
ANY advice AT ALL would be sooo much apriciated! AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

im so sorry its so long.... if anyone has bothered to read it all thankyou so much.. i could really use some help...

x

[kkff1033]

sent you a private message about this, message me back!

[loyal2the_end]

First of all you are too hard on your self, she needs to understand (and maybe she doesn't realise this so you should let her know) that the things she thinks ashould be second nature to you are not. I think for all the effort you put in it sounds like you are forcing yourself to be considerate of her feelins but this is something that is natural if it's not natural than of course you are going to get it wrong from time to time. I say this because I have Aspergers and my friends are always telling me I am insensitive or inconciterate (this is a condition of this learning disability) I try to do better but I have to work at it while for them it comes natural things like saying goodbye on the phone when the conversation is done or hugging when parting from a friend I haven't seen in a long time these are things I have to reminde my self to do not to upset others. I often say things that people think are incensitive to their situation, but it's because I dont naturally recognize these things, and I am not using it as an excuse I am always trying to catch these mistakes but no matter how hard I work at it this will never be my nature and my good friends understand that it's different for me they bring it to my attention when I mess up but not to be angry at me but to help me see that it is a mistake. My point is that you and ur best have different natural ways of acting and she needs to recognize ur effort and maybe help you (if you want to change) in a more positive way. She should not just blame you it's not fair. I do think the best thing is to communicate, I dont like doing it either I'm not very open but I do recognize it makes it very hard on a friendship when ur friends dont get what's going on in your mind. since I have started talking to my friends when there are problems I have seen better results if u just let her talk she may only get more frustrated. I have another friend who I frequnetly get upset with because I am insecure and she is not and the main reason she is unable to convince me to be secure in our friendship is cause I sense something is wrong but then she refuses to admit it then she is never there when I need her and I blame her and flip out on her cause in my mind she either needs to have a real reason or she is being a bad friend, and since I can't get the reason out of her as hard as I try I get mad and tell her how she is being a bad friend. I know I'm wrong for this but it's so frustrating that she wont just tell me what is wrong and how to fix it or be there for her.

[alis12345]

thankyou so much for this (and im sorry its taken me ages to reply) i hope you reply again..and that i could help you with your post!
coz this really has helped. you're right we do have different ways of thinking. this has been said before, and i have deff thought myself that its basically the one main problem. i never MEAN to do any of the things that make this situation..her situation, so bad.
i suppose she should appriciate my efforts more -because i REALLY make them! but shes just a person whos emotions are so strong and always right at the surface, she gets angry so easily. i suppose she always need someone or something to blame for everything.
what do you think i can do to remember things more? i usually do but theres always something eventually! what do you think i can tell her?
thanks again

[loyal2the_end]

I am not sure what to do to remember things, I have a very hard time myself my big problem is saying things with out thinking first I dont intended to do it but I slip things or say things that others say are incensitive or insulting or I things like not thinking to stop and hold doors for strangers or I forget to thank them when they do it for me I always feel bad when I realise it's just not ingrained in me like it is for most people. I wish I could tell you how to avoid hurting her the best thing I can suggest is to explain to her that you are trying your best but you think differently and view the world differently but you would never intentionally hurt her. Sometimes its hard cause it's about using common sense, only people like me who have aspergers, dont usually have common sense when it comes to anything that has to do with social interaction. I'm not saying you have Aspergers too I dont know but my point is things that your friend might take for granted as common sense and maybe these things are considered common sense in her social groups, may not be common sense for you. and if that is the case it will be very hard for you to overcome it because common sense is not supposed to be something you think about or remember it's something you just know to do intinctivley. Many people with aspergers who have this probelmdo there best to learn and imitate behaviour they see on TV or Movies. Again I am not trying to say you have Aspergers but because I do have it this is the best way for me to relate to the situation and try and make sense of it all. Im also thinking maybe you think in a similar way to me cause you wrote "she also really cares what people think. i dont. only from the people i care about myself." and "before i met her i was at home a lot, partly not through any choice as i was unwell and hardly attended school for many years, so i just had never had any different, and was very close to, but very over protected by my mum. " school is an important time to develop your social skills and maybe this is why you have such a hard time with her. However if I were you I would seriously ask my self whether you have problems just with her or do or have similar occurences happen with other long time friends (dont use friends you've had for a short while as a comparison) if you find it's just her than I dont think it is you as much as it is her being unreasonable but... if you find like I do it is hard to maintain your longer friendships then it really could be something like aspergers.

So I dont think I really answered your question about what to do. But I guess what I am trying to do is first diagnose the situation to see if it is you or if it is her. If you feel like you maybe are just different from other people, or have aspergers, or lack what others say is common sense you have to talk to her and explain it. If you are not different then she is maybe the one who's different maybe she has some underlying reason for being so sensitive or maybe there is depression or bipolar disorder. Again if this is the case you need to talk to her about it. have you tried talking about any of this with her since your first post?

finally sorry to through in all the disorders and learning disabilities its just cause I have one and I know that my biggest problem in relationships and friendships cause seeing things other peoples way or them trying to see it my way is really hard. Either way we are all different and see things differently but if there is a possiblity of any of these disorders or learning disabilities it is going to be more complicated to address the situation because either it would require both of you trying to look at this problem in a different way and trying to understand the reasons for one anothers methods of thinking and it can be very very hard cause the one person has to try to change the way they are wired to think while the other person has to accept that the other person is not wired like everyone else in their life.

Sooo I hope this helped, your replys were very helpfull! I think I still have to reply to the other one I dont remember if I had time to reply I will go check that out now lol. Please keep me posted with ur friend the more info you can give me the more I can try to think about a solution for you

[loyal2the_end]

my inbox said there was a reply but when I came here there was none... anyway have you had anyluck with your friend?

[alis12345]

hi, sorry i havent writen back for ages i havent forgotten iv been trying to find the time! i'll write longer another time. glad i could help you! keep me posted on what you've said to you friend when you've spoken to him.
but to let you know.. yes i did have a long time not in school when i was younger and thats a good point that has prob affected me a bit. but i have never had any problems with other friend.. nothing major! nothing like this. my only other relevent comparison is my oldest friend who iv known my whole life, who i have a great equal happy relationship with. she lives quite far away but we always make time to talk and see each other. sometimes only 1 or 2 times a year though. but this is one massive massive problem with this current bestfriendship though. it makes me upset everyday whenever i think about my other bestfriend, because, as i said at the begining post, she stoped me talking her. i feel like i cant get one friendship right with her who im with every day, so how can i have another one. she basically made me chose. i didnt want to. i couldnt really. i love them both. but my other friend is much more forgiving, and lives away. but i miss her SOO much. i kinda need her to talk to. i dont actually have anyone to talk to as my relationship with my best friend is so difficult. and knowone else i am close to enough or is objective enough, and knows too much or not enough. and i basically dont have any other friends. i basically havent mentioned anything about my other bestfriend at all. and havent spoken to her for months. i hope i can aproach it some time. but im really scared. it means SOO much to me. i really miss he and am worried im hurting her now. any advice on waht i can do about my other bestfriend with current bestfriend?? i love them both.
thanks again